WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking technology malfunction during a recent appearance, President Biden was revealed to be a robotic human suit driven by former president Jimmy Carter.
"Listen, folks, gas lines aren't that ba--" said President Biden as he began to twitch. "If you, if you're, I, I, I... uh... what was I saying?"
There was then a series of beeping noises as Biden's face opened up, revealing former president Carter -- who could easily fit inside Biden's head due to his minuscule size -- sitting behind the controls.
Carter waved sheepishly at the shocked reporters. "Oops, wrong button. I'm sorry everyone! While I have you, Israel is an apartheid state and the next 4 years will probably be worse than the last 4 years...uh... forget you saw me, ok?"
Carter then pressed a button on his control panel and Biden's face closed and clicked shut.
"S-s-sorry about that folks," said Biden. What did I miss?"
Jen Psaki then swore the press pool to secrecy and gave them chocolate chip cookies.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"Yes Joe, that is right. It will be fun. A big farm where all your dreams will come true," Jill said quietly while looking out the window. "Please stop licking the glass, Joe. Oh dangit, you peed on the floor."
"This is something I never thought I would ever see in real life," said Covenant Grace member Paul Davidson. "We were enjoying our time with the Lord, the worship team was doing a beautiful job, and when he started with ‘Amazing Grace,‘ we all just assumed it would be some goofy modernized version. But… it was not. He played it exactly the way it was written. It was as though the clouds parted and we all felt the Lords embrace."
https://babylonbee.com/news/miracle-worship-leader-plays-hymn-as-it-was-written
The writer had come under fire in recent weeks due to accusations from multiple women that he had forced himself on them over the years but would apparently now escape being held accountable for the crimes due to aligning himself with a grooming gang in Rotherham.
https://babylonbee.com/news/to-avoid-prosecution-in-britain-neil-gaiman-joins-islamic-grooming-gang