MARS—Chinese state media has confirmed they have successfully landed a beautiful female rover named Zhurong on the surface of Mars. This is causing some to raise security concerns that she may enter into a relationship with NASA's Perseverence rover and steal American secrets.
"Perseverance is just like any other hot-blooded American rover," said George Tahu of NASA. "He is susceptible to being seduced by China's rover-- which we have to admit is a very lovely and alluring piece of tech. If they enter a relationship, he may divulge top-secret information from his hard drive!"
CCP President Xi has forcefully denied any nefarious intent. "We are very proud to land beautiful lady rover on red planet," he said in a statement. "Glorious People's Republic Of China way more progressive than loser Americans. We land very first female on Mars. China is very feminist and much smarter and more powerful than United States. Poor, sad Americans."
Early reports suggest Perseverance may already be smitten by the Chinese rover, as he keeps following her around and focusing his digital camera on her.
"Focus, Perseverence, focus!" said frustrated NASA technicians as their rover once again dropped his dirt sample to ogle Zhurong.
NASA has been forced to assign people to monitor the rovers 24/7 to make sure they don't sneak off together.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.