U.S.—Concerned citizens from all over the nation were really pitying their unfortunate lot in life that not a single individual in recent memory had risen up to warn them about the dangers of unchecked government power amid reports of gas shortages, rapidly rising prices on just about everything, and everyone in power lecturing them about pronouns and face coverings every day.
“Oh! Woe is us,” exclaimed one man waiting in an hour-long queue at a gasoline station so he could fill up grocery bags with the scarce fuel. “How did it ever come to this without even one person warning us about what would happen?”
“It’s like our government officials just did whatever they felt like doing with no regard to the Constitution and now we’re in a big mess and no one even bothered to warn us,” mourned another citizen.
“If someone had run for office warning about all these things, I would have definitely voted for that guy,” declared one woman who had lost her business and was now waiting in line to fill up her plastic bags too. “Even if he wasn’t the most charismatic or smooth-talking of the bunch. We just needed an honest guy to come around, like a sweet grandpa, and I don’t know, maybe if this honest grandpa tried to explain basic economics, obscure monetary policy, and the Constitution, and we all voted for him, maybe we'd all be better off right now. How crazy that in a country as big as ours, no one like that ever ran for office?”
At publishing time, the world continued to seem like it was on fire and it’s really a shame that no one ever warned about any of this beforehand.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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