U.S.—The pandemic has come with big changes for everyone, and in some, it’s caused downright insane behavior. Perhaps the most insane are those who were eager to get the vaccine and yet insist on wearing a mask like they have no idea what a vaccine is. Law enforcement is finally going to do something, as they’ve announced they will now apprehend and lock up these lunatics for the protection of themselves and others.
“We have no idea what is going through these people’s minds,” said FBI spokesman Arnold Briggs. “They were so eager to get injected with something, and yet they insist on masks like they don’t think the vaccination did anything. Some even try to put masks on children. These are crazy, crazy people, and they need to be isolated from society -- but not because of COVID-19, from which they are no longer at risk.”
The FBI is telling everyone not to approach any vaccinated person wearing a mask but to instead call authorities. They will then apprehend the individual and try to reason with the person, explaining what a vaccine is and why people wear masks so that maybe the person will understand why they should take it off. If that doesn’t work, the individual will be locked in an insane asylum, where hopefully a series of electroshocks will jump-start the brain into working again.
Most people are happy about this new policy, but dangerous lunatics oppose it. “Mask! Gotta wear a mask!” said one deranged vaccinated person who was wearing a mask outside. “Maaaaaask!” he yelled as he was carted away.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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