NEW YORK, NY—Now that lots of places are removing their mask mandates, many liberals are running into a problem: people are mistaking them for freedom-loving Republicans. Some say they are going to continue to triple-mask well after the pandemic just to make sure no one ever thinks they love liberty or conservative social values.
But one man took things to the extreme: in order to ensure no one ever mistakes him for one of those crazy Republicans ever again, local unemployed man Gregory Christopher got a mask permanently tattooed on his face.
"I really don't want anyone thinking I'm one of those crazy, deranged, anti-science Republicans," Christopher said as he exited the tattoo parlor, his face wrapped in plastic and gauze. "This will forever virtue-signal to those around me that I'm pro-science and pro-facts. Now everyone will know I'm not crazy!"
While his mask-wearing days are almost over, Christopher also says he may still wear a face shield and hazmat suit just in case.
The good news is that even though the man's tattoo isn't one of those real cloth masks he wore day and night for the past year, medical science suggests it's just as effective.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.