NEW YORK, NY—Now that lots of places are removing their mask mandates, many liberals are running into a problem: people are mistaking them for freedom-loving Republicans. Some say they are going to continue to triple-mask well after the pandemic just to make sure no one ever thinks they love liberty or conservative social values.
But one man took things to the extreme: in order to ensure no one ever mistakes him for one of those crazy Republicans ever again, local unemployed man Gregory Christopher got a mask permanently tattooed on his face.
"I really don't want anyone thinking I'm one of those crazy, deranged, anti-science Republicans," Christopher said as he exited the tattoo parlor, his face wrapped in plastic and gauze. "This will forever virtue-signal to those around me that I'm pro-science and pro-facts. Now everyone will know I'm not crazy!"
While his mask-wearing days are almost over, Christopher also says he may still wear a face shield and hazmat suit just in case.
The good news is that even though the man's tattoo isn't one of those real cloth masks he wore day and night for the past year, medical science suggests it's just as effective.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."