ISRAEL—The media has condemned Israel for launching an unprovoked attack on innocent Hamas rockets that just so happened to be flying overhead last night.
"These rockets were out for an innocent, leisurely flight across Israeli airspace, and Israel heartlessly took them down," said a CNN anchor, wiping tears from his eyes. "It is clear that Israel is the aggressor here. Just look at those poor, defenseless little guys -- they barely got a chance to fly."
"Though they have been shot down heartlessly by the IDF, the rockets will always fly on in our hearts."
Footage shows the rockets on their normal flight path, a "sightseeing" trip according to the Associated Press, with Israel's rockets being launched to attack the innocent rockets minding their own business.
As Hamas's rockets crashed into the ground, Brian Stelter wept uncontrollably. "Why, God, why!?" he cried. "So much explosive potential wasted!"
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
