U.S.—With the CDC finally relaxing some guidelines around mask-wearing, Democrats are facing the dread of parting with something that has been giving them feelings of safety and security for over a year. To help them cope with the loss, many Democrats are turning to baby pacifiers to help wean them off the masks.
"The binky is a perfect bridge toward a maskless future," said one Democrat. He then quickly popped the rubber nipple back in his mouth for a few minutes before continuing. "I think it's important to be open and vulnerable about the trauma we have all experienced in the last year." He then grabbed his blanket and teddy bear and went down for a nap.
Dr. Fauci has endorsed the use of binkies for vaccinated Democrats, but he's still suggesting a mask be worn over them at all times.
In his nightly segment, Sean Hannity ridiculed Democrats for being such big babies. "We live in a nation of sissified man babies," he said before taking a quick hit from his vape pen.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."