HOUSTON, TX—Multimillionaire prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen has come under fire, as some are suggesting he may actually be a grifter who lives in luxury while fleecing a gullible audience. Others cite the words of Jesus when He said, "It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven."
"Don't worry," said Osteen. "I have a brand new yacht designed just for that purpose!"
The cutting-edge, $100 million yacht boasts the thinnest profile of any yacht to date. Osteen remains hopeful it will be thin enough to sneak into heaven with all his riches.
"If you want to enter the kingdom of heaven as healthy and wealthy as I am, name and claim yourself a yacht today!" said Osteen to his congregation on Sunday. "You need to buy your own because there's only room enough for me on there. If you can't afford it, don't worry too much. Just focus on what you do have!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."