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Republicans Propose Cheaper 'Medicare For Al'

WASHINGTON D.C.—A growing cause for Democrats has been Medicare for All, with the progressive wing of the party constantly demanding it. Republicans, though, finally have their own proposal-- a much cheaper and more streamlined version of the Democrats’ proposal-- which Republicans are calling “Medicare for Al.”

“It’s a one letter difference,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, “but we’re talking about a program that is nearly four hundred million times cheaper.”

While Medicare for All would expand Medicare for all U.S. citizens and cost somewhere between 30 and 40 trillion dollars over 10 years, Medicare for Al would only cover the health care costs of Al Wisniewski of Rochester, New York, and is estimated to cost only $100,000 over the same time period.

“This is a fiscally responsible program,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “and it will make a big difference in people’s lives. Well, a person’s life. In Al’s life.”

Not everyone supports Medicare for Al, though. The Congressional Budget Office has called the $100,000 over ten years estimate “wildly optimistic,” as that number is based on getting Al to the gym three times a week, which historical data says is unlikely to happen.

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https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025

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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person

"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."

https://babylonbee.com/news/barron-tries-to-blend-in-on-campus-by-putting-his-knees-in-his-shoes-and-walking-around-like-a-normal-height-person

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Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."

https://babylonbee.com/news/healthy-vegan-food-carefully-constructed-in-laboratory-using-957-chemicals

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