U.S.—U.S. Military leaders confirmed that they have shot down an unidentified flying object over the Pacific Ocean after the mysterious craft refused to identify itself with its preferred pronouns.
"Yes, we can confirm that one of our F-18 fighters intercepted an apparently quite transphobic alien spacecraft yesterday," said Navy Admiral Arnie Ahab. "After several unsuccessful attempts to hail the object for identifying pronouns such as "he/him" or "they/them", we were forced to blow it out of the sky."
California residents were startled by what appeared to be a massive explosion off the coast, followed by a burning object plunging into the sea.
"We are happy to say we protected Earth from an alien visitor that was obviously not advanced enough to engage in common trans-sensitive pronoun courtesy during a greeting," said Navy Secretary Thomas W. Harker in a statement. "You all are safe now."
President Biden has thanked the Navy for their great work and deployed more aircraft carriers to the pacific in case any more transphobic extraterrestrials show up.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."