YAVIN—Known rebel and terrorist Luke Skywalker has been condemned by the Imperial Press Corps for blowing up an Associated Press office located on the Death Star.
"Mr. Skywalker barely gave us an hour's notice to evacuate," said AP reporter Bryn Stellar. "It's clear that the Rebellion wants to eliminate journalists and hamper our ability to tell the story of their terror to the galaxy. We were just minding our own business reporting on their nefarious activity from our offices on the 64th level of the Empire's new space station when we got the warning."
"Shocking and appalling."
Footage of journalists frantically evacuating was quickly broadcast on Imperial channels around the galaxy to garner sympathy for the reporters and turn the public against the rebels.
"From Coruscant to Tatooine, the Empire will be free," said anti-rebel activist M'iika C'rett. "It's clear now what the rebels want: genocide."
"And think of all the jobs they just eliminated!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
