PORTLAND, OR—In a dark cave outside Portland, a burglar has reported that he spotted local liberal man Greg Frederic sitting on a rock in the middle of a pond, whispering sweet nothings to his mask.
"It is my own, my precious," he whispered to himself, having been locked in the cave since last March. His eyes have adjusted to the dark, dank cave, causing them to grow into large green orbs. Since he's too scared to get DoorDash, he eats fish from the cavern's pool, causing him to evolve sharp teeth and slippery, wet, fish-like skin.
The man reportedly grows angry if anybody tries to take his mask from him or suggests that he won't need it forever. "IT'S MINE! IF I'M ANGRY IT'S YOUR FAULT!" he snapped as a neighbor checked in on him, not having seen him for many months. "YOU WANT THE MASK FOR YOURSELF!"
The burglar, trying to help out, managed to snatch the mask from the liberal after tricking him at a game of riddles. He has taken it to the factory where it was forged in order to cast it into the fire from whence it came and destroy it once and for all.
Asked for comment, Frederic was in hysterics and only shouted, "WE WANTS IT, WE NEEDS IT! MUST HAVE THE PRECIOUS! THEY STOLE IT FROM US! SNEAKY LITTLE REPUBLICANS! WICKED, TRICKSY, FALSE!" He is currently stalking the thief to try to get the precious back.
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