BABYLON, FL—The Babylon Bee would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Xi Jinping for a very, very bad mistake we made earlier. We continued to refer to him as "president" in our articles, when we really should have called him Winnie the Pooh, as he self-identifies as a honey-loving stuffed bear who lives in the Hundred Acre Wood.
Here is our apology, Mr. Pooh:
亲爱的习近平领导人，对于您称呼您为“总统”，我们深感抱歉。 我们知道您确定是吃蜂蜜且非常胖的黄熊。 我们犯了一个非常非常非常严重的错误，我们非常非常爱您和中国政府。 用不与之相称的代词来误认一个人是非常糟糕的。 您是小熊维尼，我们希望尊重这一身份。 因此，从现在开始，我们将永远只称您为小熊维尼（Winnie the Pooh），这是一只可爱的毛绒熊，与克里斯托弗·罗宾（Christopher Robin）一起玩，非常笨。 非常感谢，请不要将我们送到监狱营地。
Thank you very much for your understanding, and may this lead to greater cooperation between our inferior country and your much superior land of the Hundred Acre Wood.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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