MINNEAPOLIS, MN—As news organizations descended upon Minneapolis on the anniversary of George Floyd's death, anchors and reporters solemnly reminded the country that racial division will likely always be an integral part of American society.
"The racial division that has plagued our country for so long, and that has led to hours of sensational news stories and high ratings for our network, will likely be around to stay," said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. "This is very sad, but we can promise you that CNN will be there to cover it and drive you mad with anxiety and despair every time it rears its ugly head."
Journalists from other networks all made similar statements, reminding everyone that America is a horribly racist country and will likely be that way forever.
"Really sad," said CBS News Anchor Scott Pelley. "Let us take a moment today to remember what George Floyd did for the cause of justice, as well as our ratings."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."