WASHINGTON, D.C.—A beltway McDonald’s caused a major traffic jam yesterday, as the drive-thru backed up for miles while Dr. Fauci spent several hours trying to decide the right order.

“Ooo now does the Big Mac come with nuggets? No? Let’s do nuggets then, let’s do nug…NO!! No, Big Mac it is. Do I want fries? Well, that’s a hard one to settle,” said Dr. Fauci, as the line began to expand behind him.

As one shift change bled into another, employees took turns listening to Fauci waffle back and forth. “Perhaps the dollar menu is the right call, the safe bet. Yes, a McDouble and a McChicken, that’s it! They’ll be calling that the Fauci special in no time, that is, unless that deluxe chicken sandwich really is all it’s cracked up to be. Chicken! Yes, chicken!” he exclaimed, as the line stretched back into Virginia.

Fauci at one point declared the quarter-pounder to be "the worst sandwich of all time, a real anti-science disaster," before moments later calling it "a delicious burger and mankind's greatest achievement and anyone who does not order it is a bigot."

As another McFlurry machine broke, signaling the changing of days, Fauci continued vacillating. The delivery truck arrived with "cicada nuggets" to re-stock, and still, the decision continued.

At long last, an exhausted Dr. Fauci declared, “Ok, ok, I’ve made up mind. Final, clear answer. Quarter pounder with cheese meal, the old classic. That’s it. It’s over.”

“Whoa, wait – you guys serve breakfast all day??”