SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Newsom has announced a lottery sweepstakes where five lucky vaccinated Californians will be allowed to leave California for a better state.
Each winner, chosen at random, will get a free U-Haul rental and a nice property in another state of their choice, no questions asked.
"Do you want to leave this hellhole? Then get the shot!" Newsom said at a press conference Friday. "We'll even spring for the long U-Haul and a trailer so you can bring your car along. Which is great, since your car will be illegal here in a decade."
"Come one, come all, step right up and win the prize of a lifetime!" he added, donning a top hat and a cane and dancing around the U-Haul lot. "Who's gonna win? Nobody knows! It could be you! So get the vaccine and see just how much freedom there is once you leave the Golden State!"
At the announcement, millions of Californians rushed to get vaccinated, bringing the total number of vaccinated people in the state to 138 million.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."