ATLANTA, GA—In order to bring back the viewers it's lost since the 2020 election ended, CNN is rehiring the biggest draw for its audience: former President Trump, who will host all the news segments every night on prime time.
"What we've discovered since the election is people only watched our station to see Trump, so we're hiring him to anchor our programs," said Bob CNN, owner and founder of the cable news station. "This will finally get our ratings out of the dump."
During his first night on the job, Trump simply yelled about election fraud for two hours. "Very sad, very pathetic, worst-run election in history, maybe ever! Worse than North Korea!" he said to an audience of millions, CNN's largest in many months. "Frankly, any ballot cast against me is suspect. You really believe that someone would walk into an election booth and look at me and Sleepy Joe and choose Sleepy Joe? No. Can't happen. Fake news. Not good. Sad!"
After this, the rest of the hosts for the night just yelled about Trump yelling about election fraud.
According to Trump, the deal was "the biggest deal in the history of television, maybe ever." Rumors indicate that Trump was given a majority share in the company, billions of dollars, and unlimited Diet Coke. According to insiders, the headquarters of CNN will also be moved to Mar-a-Lago as part of the deal.
After the announcement, CNN's ratings skyrocketed, and they're finally outperforming the WNBA, soccer, and Saturday Night Live.
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