SAN DIEGO, CHINA—Conquered Americans laboring away among other undesirables in a Chinese prison camp remember fondly how the American military, when it was still around, was a fully inclusive institution.
The camp known as Happy Democratic People’s Sunshine and Happy Exercise Wellness Center, set up at the former grounds of Navy Base San Diego, is billed as a top notch resort to get plenty of sunshine and exercise as well as a top notch education in Communist Party fundamentals. Many prisoners have noticed however that the Chinese officers staffing the gulag were not very diverse or concerned with things like what pronouns the prisoners preferred to be called.
“At least our military was inclusive,” said Prisoner #1138 in a hushed whisper while breaking rocks with a pickaxe and loading them into wheelbarrows. ”We had daily meetings about being less white, started every intelligence briefing by asking everyone to state their preferred pronouns for that day, and even meticulously tailored every uniform for each individual to make sure no one was body shamed just because they were a person of size or had a fetus inside them.”
“I really miss the transgender working groups,” reminisced one former officer from the U.S. Air Force. “Yep, those were the days.”
“I don’t identify as this number,” piped up another worker. “I keep telling them I identify as xe/xer but all they do is hit me and call me #1277 or ‘pansy.’”
“Work faster, pansy! All of you, keep your pansy mouths shut,” barked the Chinese soldiers up in the watchtowers as they trained their machine guns on the prisoners. Other Chinese soldiers began to laugh at the prisoners while taking breaks from lifting weights, cleaning their firearms, and talking about the women and children they missed back home.
At publishing time, the conquered Americans in the prison camp were reportedly very happy to at last be living in a nation with universal health care.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.