TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a controversial move sure to cause outrage, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill declaring that the sky is blue.
“Through sheer malice, bigotry, and hatred, I declare the sky is blue!” said DeSantis at the signing ceremony. “Maybe next I’ll declare grass to be green, enforcing myopic reality on everyone! Mwuh ha ha ha!” DeSantis then signed the bill with ink he declared to be black no matter what anyone else thought about it.
“Nooooo! Colors exist on a spectrum!” screamed an activist outside. “Who is to say the sky isn’t yellow? I guess, maybe, some sort of device that measures the wavelength and compares it to known color values, but that doesn’t override people’s lived experiences!”
DeSantis is said to be considering weighing in on other controversial, divisive topics, such as declaring that the sun is hot, water is wet, and two plus two equals four — all things PolitiFact rated as only “Half True.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
