WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a batch of his emails were made public through an FOIA request, a desperate, frantic Dr. Fauci called in an expert technician to make sure no more damaging emails were made public.
The technician, renowned Beltway-area email server technician Hilgo Clintmann, arrived in his van and began to inspect Fauci's modest email server configuration.
"Oh, yes, very bad email security here sir, very, very bad," Clintmann said as he walked through the server racks and inspected the various hard drives and cables. "We're going to need to rework this whole setup. You need to be able to, how you say, disappear emails right away. We will take care of this with emergency panic buttons. Do not worry, Dr. Fauci -- we will make sure you are never embarrassed ever again."
Clintmann even told an elated Dr. Fauci that his company also specializes in finding out who leaked a particular set of emails and making sure that they "never make that mistake again." "It is a, how you say, cleaning service. You make the mess, we clean it up."
Finally, before leaving, Clintmann installed an emergency hammer behind a piece of glass reading "Break in case of federal investigation."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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