U.S.—A shocking study has found an increasing number of Democratic state governors are fleeing to Florida, desperate to escape the ravages of their own COVID lockdown policies.
The report found that Governors Whitmer, Newsom, and Cuomo have already secretly purchased homes in The Sunshine State.
"Let me be clear. Florida is a deep dark pit of deep right-wing darkness," said Newsom as he watched his servants pack up his U-Haul. "But also, their restaurants are actually still in business, and I'm really hungry."
The study also found that Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has secretly been making trips to Florida since last year, mainly due to the fact that no one lives in New York anymore and he gets lonely sometimes. "Listen," he said while eating a meatball sub he had made himself since there were no sub shops left in New York, "even a guy like me needs someone to talk to every once in a while. That's why I'm movin' to Florida."
Governor Ron DeSantis has expressed concern over the influx of Democrat Governors clamoring to get into the state and has mandated that they all quarantine for at least a year before mixing with the general populace.
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
