AUSTIN, TX - Straight people have turned out in droves to celebrate Pride Month this year, and for many gay Americans, it's really starting to ruin the vibe.
The TV airwaves have sustained a total takeover, as corporations hawking everything from cereal to laundry detergent have invaded the refuge of rebels formerly known as "Pride".
"I can't buy a jar of pickles without someone trying to score gay points," complained local woman Sarah Rice. "I mean initially it was nice to see gay couples in the occasional graham cracker commercial...but now my acne cream says it's LGBT affirming and my tooth floss is rainbow-colored. Ridiculous."
Local events have also seen a massive influx from both corporations and would-be allies. "Honestly thinking about skipping the Pride Parade this year and just having a cookout at home," said former parade organizer Steve Garcia. "A bunch of straight people waving flags, all sponsored by Walgreens? That's basically a NASCAR event. Thanks, but no thanks."
Mr. Garcia left for work, only to discover his co-workers had generously had his entire car spray-painted with rainbow stripes. He sheepishly drove to his office, where his door had been replaced with rainbow beads and a giant rainbow cake was sitting on his desk. "Freaking allies got me again," muttered Mr. Garcia.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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