God has to listen to a ton of prayers. With all those prayers going up around the world all the time, he is forced to field some pretty dumb ones. Lucky for us, the archangel Gabriel gave the Babylon Bee a special look into the worst prayers God received this week. Enjoy!
1. "Dear Lord, please bless this food, and-- TOMMY STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER!!!!": Unfortunately, this prayer was never finished as the next 5 minutes was just incomprehensible screaming and crying.
2. "Mother God, please help our church to be less white, and lift up our LGBTQ womxn teaching pastors. Amen & Awomen": Sources say this prayer went straight to "junk mail."
3. "Dear God, please bless these Twinkies to our bodies...": He did not.
4. "Almighty Father, we thank thee for this kale...": Sources say God mercifully blessed the kale even though it is a creation of the Devil.
5. "Daddy God, just... just... surround us with your awesomeness, Daddy God. Let us see your face, today...": God mercifully did not show his face to the worship leader who prayed this prayer, sparing his life.
6. "Lord it's been a rough day and I'm... glad... to finally... have time here in bed to... talk with... you... [snoring noises]": Credit for trying, at least.
7. "Dear God please help us think of a third conservative joke.": HAHA who would pray something like that? Certainly not us... shut up.
8. "Hey God it's me. Haven't talked in a while since you let the Democrats steal the election. Please don't let everyone notice my pants are on backwards right now.": We have no idea who prayed this, but he seems like a very godly man and we're sure God answered his prayer.
Man, those were some rough ones! Good thing God is really merciful!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"It's become such a wonderful tradition to ring in the beautiful autumn season by covering my home with fall decor," Carol said as she strategically placed dried leaves and withered straw around her living room.
"Fall is here! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said a spokeswife for the American Wives Union in an official statement.
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