WORLD—Prince Harry and Meghan, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have announced the arrival of a beautiful new baby. In the announcement, they described their new baby as "a beautiful, 7 pound, 11-ounce baby girl who is half-oppressed and half-privileged."
"Mother and baby are doing well," said Prince Harry to reporters. "Even in these early days, we are making sure to teach our child that she carries the blood of white colonial oppressors, as well as oppressed people of color. This unique mix may make raising our child extremely difficult."
Expert critical theorists also expressed worry that the child may grow up fighting a constant internal battle between her oppressor self and her oppressed self.
"It is very rare that these two sides achieve perfect equilibrium," said sociology Professor Tawdro Dingletook of Yale University. "It's likely this child will either be doomed to a lifetime of being an evil oppressor, or a horribly oppressed minority. She will never fully belong on either side. This is why we need to bring back racial segregation--to keep this kind of thing from happening."
Local non-college-educated electrician Joe Yoder disagrees. "Maybe Harry and Meghan are simply two precious human souls made in God's image, and their baby is too, and all this 'oppression' stuff is nonsense."
At the time of publication, it is unclear exactly where Mr. Yoder got his crazy ideas, but it's probably safe to ignore them since he doesn't have a college degree.
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