U.S.—Burger King has introduced a new chicken sandwich to compete with Chick-Fil-A. To make their sandwich more friendly to the LGBTQ community, they announced they are offering it on Sundays, and donating to LGBTQ causes with each sale.
Sources say the community is "extremely bummed" that they have to eat at Burger King now.
"Why? WHY did Burger King do this to us?" said Xander Brenner, local gay man. "Chick-Fil-A is delicious. Eating their food is like touching heaven. Now I'm supposed to go to Burger King and eat this chewy crap alternative made by someone who didn't wash their hands after using the bathroom? This really stinks."
Sources say the LGBTQ community is reluctantly shuffling to their nearest Burger Kings to support the cause, heartbroken knowing they will be subjected to terrible chicken for all eternity.
"When was the last time this place was remodeled? 1972? It literally smells like cigarettes in here," said Brenner. "Everything either sticky or slick with grease. Get me out of here."
Thankfully, Chick-Fil-A has announced they will now start selling fake Burger King wrappers so that customers can disguise their Chick-Fil-A sandwiches.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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