MEXICO—Kamala Harris has finally visited Guatemala and Mexico, though she still hasn't found her way to the southern border of the U.S. Luckily, though, it doesn't look like she'll have to, as she's singlehandedly solved the border crisis already.
Harris arrived in Mexico today and began cackling, causing immigrant caravans to all scatter and return home.
"The immigration crisis and our domestic problems are very serious here," said Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador. "It is a real problem and we need to figure out how to solve it."
Harris responded as she does to all serious issues: by cackling like a maniac. "Ha. Ha ha. HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!!!" she said, causing the president to draw back in terror. The upshot was that all the migrants streaming by toward the U.S. border also heard her cackle and ran for their lives.
"¡Dios mio - es el diablo!" screamed one Hispanic woman before seizing her children by the hand and running for her home. "Ay, ay, ay!"
Millions and millions of immigrants bound for the border all said they would return to their homes and not be seeking asylum in the U.S. for many more years, or until Trump returns as president, whichever comes first.
At publishing time, Harris had presented the president of Mexico with a tortilla depicting her own face.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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