ATLANTA, GA—After information was released yesterday that hydroxychloroquine can increase the survival rate of patients diagnosed with COVID-19, a sad, forlorn Brian Stelter was forced to shuffle over to the "Days Since Trump Was Proven Right" counter and reset it to zero once again.
"Ugh. Not again!" said Stelter as he fumbled with the buttons on the side of the sign and changed it from "00001" to "00000" for the third day in a row. "One of these days we're gonna get up to 3!"
"Curse you, Bad Orange Man!"
Just in the last several weeks, the CNN crew has had to reset the counter almost every day, as Trump's blaming of the virus on China, the Wuhan lab leak theory, and his claim that the police didn't clear Lafayette Park just for his photo op were all proven to be true. Some CNN employees were reportedly taking a shot every time Trump was proven to be correct about something that the media relentlessly called him a liar about, but they were forced to stop before getting alcohol poisoning.
"Boys, it's been a tough week, but we'll turn things around soon," said Stelter in an attempt to rally the troops. "Things are looking up already, see? Toobin's back!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."