CORNWALL—A time of peace and prosperity has broken out across the earth after a sudden earthquake opened up a crack in the earth's crust and swallowed up all G7 world leaders in mere seconds.
Witnesses reported feeling a low rumble beneath their feet as Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau, Angela Merkel, and others gathered on the green grass for a photo op. The rumble grew to a roar as the ground below them opened up and dragged every G7 leader into the depths of the earth. The ground then closed up over them and they were never heard from again.
"Hey guys, please remember to use my preferred pronouns," Trudeau had begun to say. "We need to be sensitive to-- AAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Experts are unsure who will be taking over the important work of running the planet, issuing random lockdown orders, and fighting climate change in the absence of such brilliant and courageous leaders.
"This is such a disaster. What will we ever do without them?" said 1 or 2 people around the world.
World governments have assured their citizens they will continue the important work of building back better for everyone. American citizens will be mourning the terrible loss this weekend with backyard barbecues.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
