CORNWALL—A time of peace and prosperity has broken out across the earth after a sudden earthquake opened up a crack in the earth's crust and swallowed up all G7 world leaders in mere seconds.
Witnesses reported feeling a low rumble beneath their feet as Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau, Angela Merkel, and others gathered on the green grass for a photo op. The rumble grew to a roar as the ground below them opened up and dragged every G7 leader into the depths of the earth. The ground then closed up over them and they were never heard from again.
"Hey guys, please remember to use my preferred pronouns," Trudeau had begun to say. "We need to be sensitive to-- AAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Experts are unsure who will be taking over the important work of running the planet, issuing random lockdown orders, and fighting climate change in the absence of such brilliant and courageous leaders.
"This is such a disaster. What will we ever do without them?" said 1 or 2 people around the world.
World governments have assured their citizens they will continue the important work of building back better for everyone. American citizens will be mourning the terrible loss this weekend with backyard barbecues.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
