CORNWALL—G7 Summit meetings ended in chaos today after President Biden violently tackled British PM Boris Johnson after mistaking him for Donald Trump.
"Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you! Didn't I tell ya not to show your orange face around here?" yelled Biden to the Prime Minister. "Why, I oughtta take ya out back and beat the hell out of ya."
Biden then hobbled over to Johnson and threw his full weight into him and tackled him to the ground.
"Well, would you look at that, I'm on the ground!" Biden said to the other world leaders. "How did I get down here? Who wants an elbow bump from Uncle Joe? Leadership! Mask up people, it's you're patriotic duty! Say, Queen Elizabeth, you're looking swell today! Bring it in for a hug!" Biden then hugged his wife Jill who he had mistaken for Queen Elizabeth.
Johnson is said to be mostly uninjured and is keeping "a stiff upper lip" about it, mainly because Biden also punched him in the lip.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."