MENIFEE, CA—When his wife and kids asked him if they could get a cat last year, local father Miles Pan insisted he would not have anything to do with the purchase, feeding, or care of the animal.
"Look, if you guys want to get a cat, that's up to you. I have nothing to do with it," the father said sternly, putting his foot down as the head of the household. "I'm not going to feed the thing, I'm not going to change any litter boxes. As far as I'm concerned, we won't have a cat at all."
"I wash my hands of this whole thing."
The family agreed and went ahead and adopted a new cat named Reese.
Sources now say, though, that Pan is essentially a full-time cat butler for little Reese.
"Does his highness wish for more catnip?" the father asked this morning as Reese woke up on his king-sized bed in the cat suite -- a converted master bedroom. Pan now sleeps in the guest room. "Yes, right away, your majesty. We are out of fresh liver but I shall run to market posthaste."
Every morning, the man who is now a cat butler attends to the wishes of the cat, whether he wants a new toy, fresh sheets, or just to chase a laser pointer around for a while. He spends his every waking hour making sure the cat is taken care of, while the kids seem to be totally oblivious to the fact that they even own a cat. The father who said he didn't want a cat in the house was seen earlier today giggling as he grabbed Reese's arms and made it look like he was dancing the Macarena.
At publishing time, the family was talking about getting a puppy, and Pan insisted he would have nothing to do with it.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children attend school.
The controversy stemmed from a poorly-worded email intended to bolster support for abortion rights among the union’s Democrat base. The email stated, “The right to choose for oneself is a fundamental right of American citizens.” Some union members grew concerned, thinking the choice being referenced was the right of parents to select what school their children attend.
The union issued a swift apology this morning. “To be clear, we were only talking about a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child,” Weingarten said. “Once a child is born, we firmly believe that no parent, man or woman, has any right whatsoever to decide where a child attends school.”
Weingarten went on to note that, “in fact, other than abortion and selecting ...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court justice.
"Hmmm... should I go with the 'Neutral Tans' or the 'Balmy Browns' Collection?" Biden said to himself.
"Everything is riding on this!"
Store employees report the president was looking through the color swatches for hours, only stopping to eat ice cream. Secret Service agents blocked off the aisle and refused to let other customers shop for their home projects.
Biden reportedly asked an employee for help but the white man was too afraid to risk being accidentally racist.
Home Depot Associate Jake Stone said of his encounter, "He was trying to ask what the best shade of black is for total submissiveness to his progressive executive agenda. At first, I thought he was going to repaint the Oval Office. I told him black wouldn't be great for a room."
"No, for people!" Biden allegedly yelled. "Black people! Come on, man!"
The president ...
BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider's winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.'
“I knew I was in trouble as soon as I saw the category of ‘Grade School Biology’,” said Schneider. “I avoided the category until the very end, as basic biology has never been my strong suit.”
Many in the audience saw the disaster coming a mile ahead. “What was Amy thinking betting so much in Final Jeopardy under that category?” said Daniele Dacus, a fan of Amy’s. “You never bet that high on such a complicated, theoretical subject, where so little of that field is understood.”
Sources claim that the host even gave a clue that ‘this is one of 2 genders’, but Amy still did not get the question correct. Amy started to answer the question by writing, “What is different and unique to each person based upon...
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