KITTY HAWK, NC—Brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright completed the first successful flights of their flying machine Thursday, flying it over a hundred feet each time. Experts are already hailing this as a revolution in ways to get small children to eat.
“It’s just an absolutely perfect analogy for a spoon with food on it,” said childhood expert Doug Caldwell. “You’ll approach the child with the spoon saying ‘Here comes the — flying machine?' We'll work on the name — and the child will open his mouth wanting to let it come in for a successful landing.”
News of the first powered flight quickly spread far and wide, and already many parents are claiming great success in getting their small children to eat after explaining to their children what an airplane is and then pretending the spoon is one.
The two bicycle-maker brothers who made the machine are happy that everyone is excited but seem perplexed by the focus on its implications in getting children to eat. “Honestly, we thought it would revolutionize the world in more important ways,” said Wilbur Wright.
“Yeah, I don’t get the big deal about helping kids eat,” added Orville Wright.
Both the brothers are unmarried and childless.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."