NEW YORK, NY—In a massive coup for the clothing giant, Victoria's Secret stunned the fashion world today by announcing they will no longer use thin models and will instead use the fattest woman of all time: your mom.
"When you are seeking to redefine the very meaning of the word sexy, you swing for the fences," said CEO Janet Daniels. "And we found an absolute heifer: your mom. Honestly, she's so big, she plays pool with the planets."
The crowd of reporters then all started hooting and hollering, shouting, "DAAAAANG!" and "YOU JUST GOT MOTED, SON!"
Your mom has been slated to make her first runway appearance at the Paris fashion show, in which she is expected to be displaying Victoria's Secret new, extremely large line of lingerie -- we're talking like big enough to be an Army parachute. OH, DANG! BURNED!
"I feel like I've been training my whole life for this," said your mom in a press conference, which had to be held in a giant outdoor football stadium to hold her. She then modeled the first piece of clothing in the Your Mom Collection by Victoria's Secret, walking out on the runway in high heels but walking back in flip-flops. OOOOOOOOOH!!!
At publishing time, Victoria's Secret had confirmed that future catalogs will have to be printed on extra-large drafting paper to fit your mom.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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