LAS VEGAS, NV—The Raiders' Carl Nassib announced he was gay this week, becoming the first openly gay player in NFL history.
Shortly after the announcement, he also announced he would be switching from football to soccer.
"I have come to the realization that I am gay," he said in an emotional interview, "and coincidentally, I will also now be playing soccer going forward." Nassib said the realization that his true felt identity was as a soccer player coincided with his discovery that he was gay, but that the two don't necessarily have any kind of correlation.
"It's a complete coincidence, honestly," he said as he removed his Raiders jersey and put on an L.A. Galaxy shirt. "I like men and I also like to lightly kick a ball around a field while not scoring any goals. There's no relationship between those two facts." Nassib added that it's hard for him to leave the Raiders as a gay man, but ultimately soccer is a better fit for him.
The press then tried to ask him a question, but he flopped on the ground in pain, claiming to have been attacked by homophobes.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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