AUSTIN, TX—Open Table Methodist Church Of The Open Door has bravely come out in support of all progressive positions that are popular with prominent politicians, media personalities, and society at large.
The announcement took place Monday on all popular social media platforms and several giant banners were hung outside the church building in a Pride Month ceremony that was carried by all local media stations and live streamed. The church had come out in favor of all the genders, full LGBTQ inclusivity, sensible gun control, and ending the filibuster rule in the U.S. Senate no matter what people in the media or politicians might say.
“We are willing to take the consequences for our stance,” announced Rev. Martha Moonbeam. “In this house we believe Black Lives Matter. The organization, just to be clear. And that love is love. Science is real. Feminism is for everyone. No human is illegal. Women’s rights are human rights. Kindness is everything,” she continued. She then planted a yard sign in the church parking lot that said exactly that before flipping off a truck sporting an American flag that was driving by in what the church says was a hate crime.
“We’ve gotten some hateful attacks like that in the past for our stances,” continued Pastor Martha. “For example, some bigots would ask us on our Facebook and Twitter posts where we get our progressive positions from the Bible or historic Christianity, but we have decided to be on the right side of history and not worry about those backwards-looking troglodytes. The big tech companies usually do a pretty good job of suspending those trolls for us anyway.”
Pastor Martha is not afraid to voice her opinions mocking conservatives on her viral TikTok page either. “People should be able to be whoever they want to be and love whoever they want to,” she boldly proclaimed to an audience of mostly unchurched, secular teenagers.
At publishing time, Open Table Methodist Church Of The Open Door was planning on bravely holding a socially distanced lecture in the summer of 2021 on slavery being bad.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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