SAN GABRIEL, CA—Sunday's sermon at San Gabriel Community Church was clearly just an excuse for Pastor Greg Golden to talk about his favorite scene in The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy, sources confirmed.
"It was pretty obvious that he just really wanted to show some scenes from The Lord of The Rings—the connection between Philippians 2 and the Battle of Helm's Deep is tenuous, to say the least," one congregant said afterward. "And when Pastor Greg started comparing Legolas' shield-surfing to Jesus walking on water, it was all but confirmed that he was just reaching for a reason to use the video clip."
When Golden moved into his last sermon point nearly an hour later, he had reportedly played over fifteen separate clips from the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy.
"You know what?" he said to the droopy-eyed congregation. "Why don't we just watch the whole thing? The movies just explain it a lot better than I can. Ushers? Lock the doors." Church members began to panic and run for the exits, but it was too late, and the words they feared began playing from the church's speakers: "The world has changed. I see it in the water. I feel it in the Earth. I smell it in the air."
"Well, at least it isn't a congregational meeting," muttered one man as he settled back into his pew. "And it'll be a lot shorter too, even with the extended versions. This Pastor Greg guy is alright by me."
Next week, Pastor Greg plans to show The Hobbit trilogy to illustrate how even amazing filmmakers like Peter Jackson are totally depraved and they too can stumble and fall.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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