KEYSTONE, SD—Racial equity and advocacy groups are celebrating today after the announcement that George Washington's face will be removed from Mount Rushmore and replaced with a likeness of civil rights icon George Floyd.
State and federal authorities confirmed today that the demolition will begin in August, with hopes to have a fresh carving of George Floyd taking its place by next spring. In a compromise with Republicans, authorities are letting the first name of "George" remain unchanged.
"We are overjoyed," said BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors from the balcony of her new three-story seaside villa in the Bahamas. "George Floyd has done more for America than George Washington could ever dream of. I mean-- what did Washington ever do? Wear a wig and have bad teeth?"
"This will be an everlasting monument to the integrity, wisdom, and pure angelic goodness of Saint Floyd-- the man who saved America by giving us an excuse to dismantle it."
"We are also overjoyed," said Bob Three Eagle, a Sioux Nation Tribal Council member. "Mount Rushmore stands as an everlasting symbol of the theft and desecration of our lands. But if our land and memory are going to be desecrated, we want them to be desecrated by George Floyd-- the hero of the oppressed."
Nancy Pelosi has announced she will be at the unveiling ceremony to offer up a prayer and thank George Floyd for dying for the cause of justice. They will then play music as the citizens of South Dakota collectively face the monument and bow down before it.
Democrats hope this change will be the first step to replacing the remaining faces with likenesses of Malcolm X, Joseph Stalin, and Karl Marx.
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