KEYSTONE, SD—Racial equity and advocacy groups are celebrating today after the announcement that George Washington's face will be removed from Mount Rushmore and replaced with a likeness of civil rights icon George Floyd.
State and federal authorities confirmed today that the demolition will begin in August, with hopes to have a fresh carving of George Floyd taking its place by next spring. In a compromise with Republicans, authorities are letting the first name of "George" remain unchanged.
"We are overjoyed," said BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors from the balcony of her new three-story seaside villa in the Bahamas. "George Floyd has done more for America than George Washington could ever dream of. I mean-- what did Washington ever do? Wear a wig and have bad teeth?"
"This will be an everlasting monument to the integrity, wisdom, and pure angelic goodness of Saint Floyd-- the man who saved America by giving us an excuse to dismantle it."
"We are also overjoyed," said Bob Three Eagle, a Sioux Nation Tribal Council member. "Mount Rushmore stands as an everlasting symbol of the theft and desecration of our lands. But if our land and memory are going to be desecrated, we want them to be desecrated by George Floyd-- the hero of the oppressed."
Nancy Pelosi has announced she will be at the unveiling ceremony to offer up a prayer and thank George Floyd for dying for the cause of justice. They will then play music as the citizens of South Dakota collectively face the monument and bow down before it.
Democrats hope this change will be the first step to replacing the remaining faces with likenesses of Malcolm X, Joseph Stalin, and Karl Marx.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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