WORLD—21-year-old U.S. high jumper Ryan Hartlen has been barred from competing in the Tokyo Olympics after it was discovered he had been competing while wearing 'Reebok Pumps' shoes, which gave him a totally unfair advantage over all the other athletes in his category by helping him jump really really high.
"Everyone knows that Reebok Pumps are the most powerful shoes ever created," said Olympic Committee member Josh Bagosh. "Just look at them! You just press the pump button on the tongue and it makes you jump super-high, like-- higher than anyone else."
"It makes you run faster too-- so fast that your mom and dad will want to come outside and watch how fast you are now with your new Reebok Pumps."
Hartlen said he was "really mad" about being banned from the Olympics and told the Olympic Committee that his mom said they have to let him play. They responded by squirting him with super soakers and kicking dirt all over his radical new Reebok Pumps. Ryan responded by pumping them up to full strength and running away really really fast.
In related news, The Olympic Committee has also decided to ban a U.S. gymnast after it was discovered she trained using a 'Skip-it.'
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
