WORLD—21-year-old U.S. high jumper Ryan Hartlen has been barred from competing in the Tokyo Olympics after it was discovered he had been competing while wearing 'Reebok Pumps' shoes, which gave him a totally unfair advantage over all the other athletes in his category by helping him jump really really high.
"Everyone knows that Reebok Pumps are the most powerful shoes ever created," said Olympic Committee member Josh Bagosh. "Just look at them! You just press the pump button on the tongue and it makes you jump super-high, like-- higher than anyone else."
"It makes you run faster too-- so fast that your mom and dad will want to come outside and watch how fast you are now with your new Reebok Pumps."
Hartlen said he was "really mad" about being banned from the Olympics and told the Olympic Committee that his mom said they have to let him play. They responded by squirting him with super soakers and kicking dirt all over his radical new Reebok Pumps. Ryan responded by pumping them up to full strength and running away really really fast.
In related news, The Olympic Committee has also decided to ban a U.S. gymnast after it was discovered she trained using a 'Skip-it.'
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
