BIRMINGHAM, AL—A new front has opened in the cake wars, this time with the owner of 'Do Better Bakery' coming under fire for refusing to bake a Trump-themed cake for local man Beau Nelson.
"All I wanted was to have a Trump-themed birthday," said Mr. Nelson. "We had it all set up-- pin the crack pipe on Hunter, a Mike Pence piñata-- then the baker throws a fit about writing 'Trump Won' on a cake! Said he refused to 'spread the yeast of insurrection'...is this knuckle-head using yeast in cakes?"
The owner of the bakery, Mr. Oliver Bennett, has steadfastly refused to back down. "We here at the 'Do Better Bakery' exist to support diversity, equity, and inclusion. It's why I've moved to using only black flour, baking bread that identifies as cake, and occasionally firing myself out of guilt. And this guy wants me to bless the Big Lie with cake? I'd rather take this mask off, catch COVID, not take hydroxychloroquine, and die!"
Attorney General Merrick Garland, his schedule cleared after recently being smacked down by the Supreme Court, took time to weigh in on the case. "It's such a terrible violation of rights to be asked to write a lie with delicious frosting. A business should always have the right to refuse a customer asking them to violate their own conscience. To be clear, that's totally different from the Masterpiece Cakeshop guy being asked to violate his conscience. Why? Because I say so! Hahahahahaha oh man this job is the best!"
According to sources, Mr. Nelson did consider going to the 'MAGA Bakery' to get his cake, but it was all the way across the street and he thought it would be more fun to trigger a "liberal snowflake" baker.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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