PITTSBURGH, PA—The FBI released disturbing new details today regarding alleged January 6th rioter Robert Morss, who had a fully-constructed LEGO Capitol building in his home. Agents say Morss was also building several LEGO Harry Potter sets, leading authorities to believe he was planning a similar attack on Hogwarts Castle.
“The suspect had several completed LEGO Harry Potter building sets and was about 80% of the way through building the advanced-level LEGO Harry Potter Castle,” said FBI bureau chief Warren Alvarez. “We feel we caught him just in the nick of time before things turned violent once more.”
Alvarez said a review of Morss’ online social media accounts show him to be a staunch supporter of Lord Voldemort, believing that Albus Dumbledore was fraudulently elected as the leader of Hogwarts. Documents found on his computer show that Morss was planning a violent protest at the school on July 31, Harry Potter’s birthday.
“This is a huge win for law enforcement,” said Alvarez. “The FBI is proud of our work taking dangerous, LEGO-building criminals off the streets. Also, now I don’t have to buy my kid a birthday present, which is awesome.”
In related news, press secretary Jen Psaki said President Biden is renewing his calls for common-sense LEGO control, calling for universal background checks for all LEGO purchases as well as closing the toy show loophole. Psaki said. “We must work vigilantly to keep these dangerous LEGO weapons of war off our streets,” Psaki said.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."