WORLD—Terrified progressive scholars, movie executives, journalists, and bloggers ran screaming Thursday as they were confronted by an apparition of J.R.R. Tolkien leading the Dead Men of Dunharrow to destroy anyone who tried to make his work "woke."
"I summon you -- fulfill your oath!" the late Tolkien cried after venturing under the mountain to find the undead army. Tolkien raised Anduril aloft, and the army submitted to the professor, allowing him to lead them into battle against everyone trying to deconstruct his book and make it woke.
From writers pushing "queer readings" of his epic, heavily Catholic, and decidedly traditionalist and non-woke magnum opus to movie studio executives looking for ways to put nudity into their film and show adaptations, thousands fell in battle against the army. Those running the Tolkien Society's latest woke conference heard a low rumbling and looked into the distance, terrified, to see the professor leading the army against them. "Onward!" a laughing Tolkien cried as the people trying to ruin the greatest book ever written scattered before the awful and terrible sight.
"I release you from your duty," Tolkien said, causing the army to disappear, then going off to see if he could get any decent tobacco before returning to the afterlife.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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