The Babylon Bee
Culture • News • Comedy
Fake news you can trust.
Interested? Want to learn more about the community?

Learn more first
Aides Getting Nervous As Biden's Life Alert Button And Nuclear Launch Button Look Remarkably Similar

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House staff are becoming increasingly concerned about a potentially dangerous situation. As always, the president has sole authority to launch nuclear weapons. President Biden requested that he be given a button that he wears at all times for that. The problem is that the White House also has several Life Alert buttons to alert people when Biden's fallen or had another old person-type calamity, and those buttons look exactly the same.

“I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that we are headed toward a bad situation here,” said a White House aide who asked to remain anonymous. "There have been a few close calls already."

Biden's Life Alert button is big and red and says "HELP" on it, and the nuclear launch button is big and red and says "NUKE" on it, a design decision the Biden administration is now regretting. He also has a personal Life Alert button he wears around his neck, but for convenience's sake, he has a nuclear launch button around his neck as well, and it says "Launch Alert" on it, which officials are now admitting was a bad naming choice. And since Biden is constantly getting lost wandering around the White House looking for ice cream, falling down, and calling for help, many are wondering how this could possibly end well.

“Let’s just be frank about this,” said another aide gravely. “One of these days he’s going to fall and can’t get up and start a nuclear war, and then we’re all going to fall and can’t get up.”

post photo preview
Interested? Want to learn more about the community?

Learn more first
What else you may like…
Videos
Posts
🎙Christianity, Star Wars Prequels, and Staying In California | The Dave Rubin Interview

Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books

The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.

00:50:59
February 19, 2025

Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person

"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."

https://babylonbee.com/news/barron-tries-to-blend-in-on-campus-by-putting-his-knees-in-his-shoes-and-walking-around-like-a-normal-height-person

February 19, 2025

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."

https://babylonbee.com/news/healthy-vegan-food-carefully-constructed-in-laboratory-using-957-chemicals

February 19, 2025

Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine

"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."

https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-warns-trumps-attempts-to-end-war-in-ukraine-could-result-in-end-of-war-in-ukraine

Available on mobile and TV devices
google store google store app store app store
google store google store app tv store app tv store amazon store amazon store roku store roku store
Powered by Locals