ATLANTA, GA—Calling brand new things racist—that no one would ever have thought could be racist—is fun, and everyone loves it. But as each new day people breathlessly inform us of the racist history of things like crossword puzzles and punctuality, scientists are warning of an impending catastrophe.
“At this current rate of coming up with new things that are racist,” warned racism scientist Frank Greene, “we’ll run out of new things to call racist by the end of this year.”
Anti-racism activists met this news with both fear and denial. “Running out of new things to call racist would be devastating,” said activist Brooke Snyder. “I mean, you’ll only get attention if you come up with something no one knows is racist. You can’t just say things like, ‘Ethnic slurs are racist.’ Everyone knows that.”
Benny Malone, though, is one of those skeptical of the warning from scientists. “We’ll always be able to find new things that are racist,” he said. “Just watch me.” He thought for a few moments. “Ah. I got a new one: Toothpaste is racist.” His face then fell. “Wait, I have explained how that’s racist already. Well, anyway, we can’t listen to science, because I know for certain we’ve all told everyone that science is racist.”
Some proposed solutions to the impending problem include giving activists stringent limits on how many things per month they can declare racist, but this has proven unpopular. Another idea is to instead come up with new things each day to call sexist, but no one cares about that as much.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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