WASHINGTON, D.C.—After meeting with singer (?) Olivia Rodrigo, President Biden reportedly asked his aides to round up more female pop stars for him to get together with and "you know, promote stuff or whatever."
"That Olive girl really was something," he said, sighing, as he looked out the window. "Reminded me of when guys were guys and broads were broads. She had on some kind of fruit spray, peach, I think it was. I'd know that smell anywhere. Say, is Marilyn Monroe available? The young folks just love her, I tell you what."
As they put a bib on him and fed him pudding, Biden's aides assured him they were looking into getting more young, female pop stars to come and take photo ops with him, for which he was very grateful.
"It's really important th-that young, you know, that young people learn about, you know, the thing," he said, pantomiming a needle being injected into his arm. "Polio is real bad, and these social media-who-whatsits are literally killing people by not, you know, ffff-force... uh, forcing people to take the, the thing."
At publishing time, Biden's aides had conceded that he could meet one female pop star for every speech he got through without getting a number, date, or fact wrong. "Come on, man!" Biden said in response.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."