PI RAMESSE—In a press conference today, the divine ruler of Egypt confirmed what many feared: the locusts and the Nile River turning to blood—plagues that have tormented the nation for several weeks—are likely the result of climate change.
"My astrologers and magicians have confirmed it," said Ramses. "It's an undeniable fact that human impact on the environment has made the sun god Ra very angry and we only have 12 years left to greatly decrease the population of Hebrews, or the Nile will freeze or something. Anyone who disagrees with me is racist."
When asked by the people what the word "racist" meant, he responded: "It's complicated, but trust me—you don't want to be it. It's almost as bad as denying science."
When asked what "denying science" was, he replied "It's basically the same thing as being on the wrong side of history. You don't want my historians to write bad things about you on my obelisk, do you?"
At this, the people shrieked in horror and promised Pharaoh they would do whatever he told them to do.
"I think... pay more taxes," he replied.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
