PI RAMESSE—In a press conference today, the divine ruler of Egypt confirmed what many feared: the locusts and the Nile River turning to blood—plagues that have tormented the nation for several weeks—are likely the result of climate change.
"My astrologers and magicians have confirmed it," said Ramses. "It's an undeniable fact that human impact on the environment has made the sun god Ra very angry and we only have 12 years left to greatly decrease the population of Hebrews, or the Nile will freeze or something. Anyone who disagrees with me is racist."
When asked by the people what the word "racist" meant, he responded: "It's complicated, but trust me—you don't want to be it. It's almost as bad as denying science."
When asked what "denying science" was, he replied "It's basically the same thing as being on the wrong side of history. You don't want my historians to write bad things about you on my obelisk, do you?"
At this, the people shrieked in horror and promised Pharaoh they would do whatever he told them to do.
"I think... pay more taxes," he replied.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
