CAMBRIDGE, MA—With humanity languishing under the evil tyranny of Facebook, everyday citizens have pooled their resources together to send a killer robot back in time to 2004 to prevent Mark Zuckerberg from inventing the wicked technological scourge in the first place.
"We've created the ultimate bionic A.I. humanoid to find Zuckerberg and prevent this dark future before it begins," said Bubba Crullers, head technician on the project. "We're not trying to kill him or anything-- instead, we've programmed the robot to befriend young Mark and try to get him really into World of Warcraft, or introduce him to a really beautiful but controlling girlfriend, or make him take up bass guitar and join a lousy punk band, or convince him to study abroad in Tibet and become a monk."
"Whatever works-- we don't care. We just have to stop Facebook."
Experts predict that as soon as the robot's mission is completed, utopia will instantly break out around the earth, no one will ever believe any misinformation about anything ever again, and conservative uncles will have more time to watch World War II documentaries.
(Update: According to sources, the robot has completed its mission, which unfortunately caused young Zuckerberg to focus his energy on uploading his consciousness to a globally-connected supercomputer and he now rules the world. So, that backfired. All hail Zuck!)
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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