BURLINGTON, VT—Beloved Communist ice cream company Ben & Jerry's is standing up to evil fascists who think Israel has a right to exist by boycotting West Bank settlements and East Jerusalem.
To mark the occasion, they have released a limited-edition flavor called 'Push The Jews Into The Sea Salt And Caramel'.
"We stand with the marginalized brown people of Palestine as they stand up to the oppressive Jewish regime," said company CEO Matthew McCarthy. "We echo the wise words of the Palestinian Authority as they call for the utter destruction of the Jewish people and share their commitment to pushing them all into the sea. It's just the right thing to do."
The new flavor will be sold in select Whole Foods locations and feature delicious organic caramel and sea salt. All proceeds will go to Iranian rocket manufacturers to arm noble Hamas mujahideen warriors in their fight to destroy the Jews.
Local Israelis said they are fine with Ben & Jerry's boycotting them, although many of them said they'll kind of miss their ever-popular ‘Wailing Wallnut’ flavor ice cream.
"It's very important we stay on the right side of history, and history shows us that fighting the Jews is always the right thing to do," said McCarthy. "May Allah and Karl Marx (blessings upon him), grant us success."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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