TOKYO—People were stunned after the U.S. women's soccer team lost to Sweden in the Olympics this week by a score of 3-0—until the team revealed they are boycotting scoring any goals until racism is defeated.
"Yeah, we didn't score any goals against Sweden last night, but that was totally on purpose," said star player and beloved activist Megan Rapinoe. "This isn't the time to score goals—when America is still racist. We totally could have beaten Sweden but we decided as a team that no goals will be scored until complete equality has been achieved in America. Also, we demand a hefty raise."
Onlookers were stunned during the second half of the game when Rapinoe dribbled the ball all the way to Sweden's unprotected goal and whispered "This is for you, people of color," before kicking the ball straight into the air and running headfirst into the goalpost.
"This may be one of the most powerful performances in the history of sports," said Teen Vogue's sportswriter who has never watched sports.
The U.S. Women's team is demanding to remain in the Olympic tournament and promises to continue its streak of zero goals. Inspiring!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."