NEW YORK, NY—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the world’s smartest socialist, is always talking about the evils of capitalism. Now tragedy has struck her with what she sees as a clear failure of that economic system: She has accidentally super-glued her face to her coffee table.
“See what capitalism has done to me?!” Ocasio-Cortez told the press who had to meet her in her living room, since she couldn’t leave because a coffee table was glued to her head. “I had broken apart a vase I bought, to see if there was a prize inside — there wasn’t — and then I was trying to glue it back together. So I emptied a whole tube of Krazy Glue to prepare, but then I thought I heard my coffee table talking to me — like maybe I got superpowers where I’m able to understand the secret language of furniture, as I did get electrocuted by my toaster recently, and that sort of thing can give you superpowers. So I put my ear to the coffee table, but then I got stuck because of all the glue. And the coffee table wasn’t even talking — I had just dropped my phone underneath it. Capitalism has gotten me once again!”
Ocasio-Cortez then described how this was all because of capitalism, which drove her to buy a glue made way too strong, a vase with no secret prize in it, and a phone that she was constantly playing YouTube videos on and dropping. And now all those things conspired together to get her face stuck to her furniture.
Critics, though, have said that Ocasio-Cortez actually likes capitalism, as demonstrated by her online store, of which she’s proud. “That’s not capitalism,” Ocasio-Cortez explained. “That’s just me meeting consumers’ wants by providing merchandise at prices they’ll pay. That’s a good thing. Capitalism is just bad things, like getting your face glued to a coffee table. Destroy capitalism! Also, you may need to destroy this coffee table. And then someone needs to buy me a new one.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
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