TITAN—Some surprising information has come out about Thanos’s scheme to obtain the six Infinity Stones and kill half of all life in the universe: The FBI initiated the plot.
“We had suspected Thanos might one day be a threat, but we didn’t have anything on him,” explained FBI spokesman Matt Holloway. “That’s why we decided to entrap him with a plot to murder half the universe.”
Documents show that it was an undercover agent who first told Thanos about the Infinity Stones. At first Thanos was hesitant on the idea, as he thought killing half of all life to be an extreme solution and instead planned to stick to his environmental work. Still, after months of coaxing, Thanos agreed to hunt down the Infinity Stones.
“We needed him to have at least some of the Infinity Stones so we could prosecute him,” said Holloway. “So we worked with the Nova Corps to make sure he got the purple Power Stone and gave Thanos the location of the other stones we knew of. We figured we’d grab him once he had three. Unfortunately, he got the five other stones a little faster than we were expecting.”
Thanos obtained all six Infinity Stones and then proceeded to kill half the life in the universe. “So it worked, basically,” said Holloway. “I mean, we have him dead to rights now; he’ll be easy to prosecute. He’s also infinitely powerful, though. So partial success.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.