WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unprecedented attack on democracy, former President Donald Trump has managed to sneak back into the White House hidden within a gigantic Trojan ice cream cone.
Experts suggest this may be the fulfillment of prophecy that foretold the glorious return of the true President who actually won the "rigged, total disaster" of an election.
"WOW! Chocolate chocolate chip!" said President Biden as the massive frozen confection was rolled across the White House lawn up to his front door. Overcome with desire, Biden dove face-first into the cone and began to try to swallow it whole like an anaconda.
With Biden distracted, Trump has taken up residence in the Oval Office and is now issuing executive orders.
While experts acknowledge this is a serious Constitutional crisis, they have so far been unable to coax Trump out from behind the Resolute Desk and have failed in pulling Biden off the ice cream cone.
Kamala Harris has been asked to run the country until authorities figure out what to do, but thus far they have been unable to remove her from the local doughnut shop.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
ATLANTA—A member of CNN's Misinformation Squad was found hiding under a desk in the basement after making a frightful call to the police. "The misinformation is coming from inside the building," whispered the terrified employee to an alarmed 911 dispatcher.
The employee, intern Jessie Furbank, was reportedly in tears as police escorted her out of the building, after which she allegedly asked for witness protection.
"I need a new identity, a new life—they're going to find me!" said Jessie, according to witnesses.
A transcript has been released by the Atlanta Police Department that reveals the harrowing moment.
Dispatch: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Furbank: You have to [unintelligible] help! I'm–
Dispatch: Calm down, please. Are you in danger?
Furbank: Yes! I work at CNN. I [heavy breathing] I was hired to track misinformation, but—
[unknown banging noises]
Dispatch: Ma'am, are you alright?
Furbank: Did you just assume my gen– never mind, you have to come get me!
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