WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unprecedented attack on democracy, former President Donald Trump has managed to sneak back into the White House hidden within a gigantic Trojan ice cream cone.
Experts suggest this may be the fulfillment of prophecy that foretold the glorious return of the true President who actually won the "rigged, total disaster" of an election.
"WOW! Chocolate chocolate chip!" said President Biden as the massive frozen confection was rolled across the White House lawn up to his front door. Overcome with desire, Biden dove face-first into the cone and began to try to swallow it whole like an anaconda.
With Biden distracted, Trump has taken up residence in the Oval Office and is now issuing executive orders.
While experts acknowledge this is a serious Constitutional crisis, they have so far been unable to coax Trump out from behind the Resolute Desk and have failed in pulling Biden off the ice cream cone.
Kamala Harris has been asked to run the country until authorities figure out what to do, but thus far they have been unable to remove her from the local doughnut shop.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
